The Stonemen from Saturn!
Editor’s Note: This entry is pretty short, because 75% of this issue is just fucking boring exposition. Seriously, it’s just Don Blake talking to himself, and the whole time I just want to stab a cane into my eyes. Enjoy anyway, I guess.
Dr. Don Blake is “an America vacationing in Europe!” Why that deserves an exclamation, I don’t know. Maybe Americans didn’t visit Europe that often back in the 60’s. Donnie is wandering away from a windy coast in Norway, using a cane, because he’s frail. As he limps away, behind him, a space ship lands, and out come some aliens. They then talk about how strong they are on earth because the atmosphere has oxygen. Saturn’s atmosphere is mostly hydrogen and helium, which is a lighter substance than oxygen, so I’m not sure why oxygen makes them stronger. To answer my disbelief, Gorr, the only alien with a name, lifts a tree out of the ground, and then some other alien jumps off a cliff to show his friends how strong his body is. Another alien shoots a tree to show off his weapon, but all that happens is the tree just glows, so it’s kind of like a rave tree now. This is all very similar to how my friends and I act when we visit a new place.
Some old guy sees all of this then runs to the village to sound the alarm, but everyone is like, “Shut the fuck up, crazy old man.” Except ole Don, of course. He believes the guy for some reason. The next day, Don decides to climb some rocks to sneak about and find some aliens. He then steps on a stick, which alerts the aliens of his presence. He tries to run away, but he’s gotta use his cane, so he can’t run fast, but then he trips and has to climb some rocks and ends up in a cave. Yeah, it’s all a super weird amount of things that happen. But wait! There’s more! For some reason, the guy who can’t run fast with a cane and who has lost his cane has also lost his pursuers! These super powerful aliens with weapons that can make trees light up have a really hard time keeping up with a caneless guy with a fucked up leg. Anyway… caneless Don wanders through the cave somehow and finds a secret wall! The wall moves and shows him…. you guessed it! A cane! How fortuitous!
Don tries to use the cane to move a boulder, but he’s weak as fuck, so nothing happens. He gets mad and smacks it against a rock, and turns into Thor. Yeah. That’s really what happens. The cane is now a mighty hammer with the inscription, “Whosoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of… THOR.” Don’s obviously pretty taken aback by the fact that he has just turned into a mythical being but takes the opportunity to start lifting a heavy boulder and talking to himself about how bad ass he is now. He then says, “The stone creatures will never suspect that their frail quarry escaped through this rear exit!” Bro, nobody was even following you.
Now, with his newfound powers, he does exactly what you would expect! He goes and sits down to talk to himself some more. He sets down the hammer and soon turns back into Don. Suit and all. He’s perplexed and then reads the inscription and comes to the conclusion that he has to hold the hammer in order to have the powers. After 60 seconds of not holding it, he reverts back. So he caresses the hammer yet again, and beautiful, golden locks return. He continues to just spew massive amounts of exposition. It’s just awful. Rules of the hammer:
- If Thor lets go of the hammer for 60 seconds, he turns back into Don
- It’s so heavy that only Thor can lift it.
- Whenever Thor hurls the hammer, it must return
- The hammer is invincible
- Nothing can resist the hammer
- Stamping the handle on the ground once will toggle Thor or Don
- Stamping the handle on the ground twice will create rain or snow… and turn into a tornado
- Stamping the handle on the ground thrice will end the storm
I’m sure all of those rules will stay the same and have no exceptions.
Now that we’ve gone through page upon page of expository dialogue, it’s time to get back to the story! The aliens’ friends have arrived, so the military sends jets to meet their space ships. The aliens flash an image of a dragon, and like half the entire fleet ejects from their planes. Then the aliens laugh as the military fires missiles at them, because they do no damage. They can’t penetrate the “atomic force field.” Don sees all this happening, so he stamps one time and becomes Thor, the God of Thunder. He then explains that he can fly by throwing his hammer but catching his unbreakable thong.
Thor lands in the middle of the aliens, because he’s 100% proficient with his powers already, and he starts beating the shit out of everyone. They try to cage him, but you can’t cage Thor! He breaks out and keeps kicking their asses. The aliens release Mechano-monster! Thor punches it with his hammer, and it explodes. It was extremely anti-climactic. The aliens leave, and the infantry nears Thor, but he’s terrified of becoming “an international curiosity,” so he stamps his hammer and becomes Don Blake again, and the soldiers are boggled as to why the aliens would leave. When trying to figure it out, they say, “There’s no one in sight… except that lame passer-by, with a gnarled old cane!” If only they knew.
Lastly, I’ll leave you with the world’s stupidest military: