Deus Ex Machina: The Real Super Hero

I’m about 60 comics into my endeavor, and I’ve found so far that damn near no super hero (thus far) would be alive, if it wasn’t for the great happenstances that allowed them to survive. It’s actually so prevalent that I’ve decided to create a list here that documents when it happens. That way, I don’t have to go over it in my review. This will include people gaining super random powers that are typically (as far as I know) never used again.

Fantastic Four (1961) #1

Taxi driver: Somehow, the driver of the taxi doesn’t notice his car door being opened and closed while she slides in. Still invisible. Then he randomly decides it’s a “dull day” and starts driving. His random drive takes Sue exactly where she wants to go.

Fantastic Four (1961) #2

The Skrull: They just happen to be driving by as Johnny Storm destroys millions of dollars worth of government equipment and mistake the real Johnny for the Skrull version of Johnny, although when last seen they were all together in their apartment.

Reed Richards: So he’s also a master hypnotist? I mock the misspelling of this in this block, because it boggles my mind at how fucking terrible this ending is. There has been zero setup that Reed knows anything about hypnotism whatsoever, so this ending was the shittiest ending to ever grace the pages of a comic book. So far, at least. If I find a worse ending, I’ll put it here.

Tales to Astonish #27

Henry Pym: lands in a giant vat of honey, which makes zero sense. How did the ants get the honey to their ant hill? It’s liquid. They obviously didn’t make the honey, because if they had, they would be honey pot ants, which are not indigenous to whatever city Henry Pym lives in, because they live in drier, more arid places, and Pym has all kinds of grass. Plus, honey pot ants don’t gush honey; they store it in their bodies and let other ants eat it out of their anus. Yeah, I’m serious. Super gross.

Ant Hill and Henry Pym: I’m going to list all the things ants carry: food and dead bodies. That’s it. It is extremely rare that an ant would have any reason to carry anything else. This is a two-fer, because both of these happened so close together. Where the fuck does the lasso come from? When did he even make the lasso? And what is it made out of? Honey that shouldn’t exist? Or is there some kind of hoarder ant that likes grabbing random items that would be super helpful for any tiny person that might fall down into their home?

Fantastic Four (1961) #3

Johnny: This is something that happens a lot in shows and movies. The character needs to know something for the plot to move forward, so that character turns on the tv at the exact time on the exact channel to find out that information. It’s never on a movie channel or something with no commercials or no local news. Nope. It’s exactly where it should be to move the plot along.

Fantastic Four (1961) #4

Namor: Johnny just happens to be reading a magazine about a guy that hasn’t been seen in a very long time, only for that guy to be the bum next to him. The odds of this are so minuscule, it makes aliens seem probable by comparison.

The Army: I get it. The best way to show how bad ass a big monster is, is to show them getting hit with the biggest guns possible and have it not be phased at all. But why the fuck is the Army just hanging out on the beach with their full artillery? That’s just ridiculous.

The Incredible Hulk (1962) #1

Igor: Not only was it not set up that Igor is a spy, but he somehow has a device that can communicate all the way to Russia… on his fingernail? Come on, man.

Gargoyle: REALLY!? The guy flies in a missile, which gets bombarded with anti-missile missiles, but somehow it all happens directly after his portion of the missile ejects. He then lands at almost exactly sun down as Bruce is driving by. The amount of things that had to go perfectly here are insane. Much like this writing.

The Incredible Hulk (1962) #2

The Army: General “Thunderbolt” Ross was just inside, listening to the Toad King. After that, he gave his speech about never surrendering and shit, and then he thinks, “After that… the boys and I could really use some fresh air”? And then there’s also a fucking tank just driving around too?

Fantastic Four (1961) #5

Pirate clothes: Sometimes deus ex machina is a little annoying, and sometimes it’s so outrageously ridiculous that it damn near ruins the entire book. This is one of the latter times. This is so outlandish that it literally makes me mad. Two pirates just happen to be fighting over pirate clothes that they stole. Out in the open. Right around the corner from the three guys that need pirate clothes. And teh clothes come with a wig, fake mustache, and beard? Just absolutely, terribly stupid.

Pirate wreckage: Tornadic waterspouts are tornadoes that form over water, and they require the exact same thing a normal tornado requires: clouds. There were zero clouds in any of the previous panels. There was no bad weather whatsoever. Just boom. Tornado. And then after the tornado occurs, the three guys and their booty all appear exactly where they need to appear. This issue has the worst deus ex machina of any issue so far.

Journey Into Mystery (1952) #83

Don Blake’s entire adventure: This guy is set up as some weak, frail guy. He can barely move without a cane, because he’s totally lame. They don’t say how, but his leg is fucked. It’s even pointed out that he can’t move very fast with his cane. But he loses his cane, then happens to fall onto some rocks. This feeble man then uses his feeble strength to climb down into a cave then somehow finds his way through the cave all without his cane. Supposedly aliens are supposed to be looking for him during this entire ordeal as well. And then while groping around, he triggers a secret wall and finds – of all things – a fucking cane.

The Incredible Hulk (1962) #3

Rick shows up at the perfect time: General Ross had Bruce’s cottage under surveillance ALL DAY. And when Rick didn’t show up all day, he decides to have a midnight meeting to tell everyone what’s going on. Except… why did he have a meeting then? Why didn’t he have the meeting earlier when he first told the guys to surveil Bruce’s cottage? And then, after he decides to have a midnight meeting, that’s when they find Rick?! Ridiculous.

The magical capsule landing: The world is large. It’s very, very large. It’s 57,308,738 square miles. It’s also constantly moving. Not just spinning, but also moving in its rotation around the sun while the sun moves through the galaxy, and the galaxy moves through space. Taking all this into consideration, it’s no surprise whatsoever that

Tales To Astonish #35

The magical thread: Has anyone ever found a thread just randomly dangling from a window sill? Let alone a thread that is perfectly the length from the window to the ground? Let alone on the only single window you decided to land on after you shrunk yourself? Why does this guy have so many random threads in his house? Does he wear tattered clothes?

The stupid beetle: Okay, so this is the world’s stupidest plan. Just punch the beetle. You’ve already shown that your suit can handle pincers, because it’s basically chain mail, and you’ve already established you have the strength of a grown man. Why go through this trouble? WHY!? Just fucking punt the mother fucker and continue on. Even then, you have to dig a hole, hope the beetle comes at you and not any of the other thousands of targets and that the sun is in its eyes, which is not even a fucking real thing for beetles, and then time your duck just right to get him to fall into a hole that he can just fucking dig himself out of. Dumb. The whole fucking thing is dumb.

Journey Into Mystery #85

The entire Heimdall thing: Man… this is just ridiculous, honestly. Loki can now make leaves drop. Okay, sure. It only takes a tiny leaf to hit Heimdall in the eye to make him cry. Sure… I guess. Heimdall doesn’t use his super senses to know a leaf is on its way to his eye. I mean… ok. But all of this…. let’s say we believe all of this is possible. That still doesn’t make up for the fact that the whole way Loki gets out is that Heimdall sheds a tear over Loki’s plight to make him shed a tear. COME ON, MAN. Just absurd.

Loki establishes a mental link with metal: How does someone even create a mental link with metal? Yeah, it’s magic, but nowhere else ever in the history of Marvel comics does someone make a mental link with metal. This is just stupid. It’s not even deus ex machina; it’s just bad writing.