The Mighty Thor vs. The Executioner
You know how the entire last issue was nothing but mind-numbing exposition? This issue starts with recapping that entire issue. Someone fucking kill me. Finally we get to see Dr. Don Blake doing some doctoring! He checks a heartbeat. Then he starts fawning all over his nurse, Jane. He thinks about how much he loves her, and then he thinks about how much of a shallow, spiteful bitch he thinks she is, thinking, “…for a girl so lovely would never marry a — a lame man! And if she knew I loved her, she’d probably quit her job!” She sounds like a horrible person, Don. Maybe you should focus your affections elsewhere.
But then we see Jane thinking about how she could fall in love with Donnie, if only he wasn’t so cold toward her. What a predicament! Then some guy screams exposition at us, the reader, and Don needs Jane to explain current events, because everyone in this comic has to explain everything. The setup is simple: there are two factions in San Diablo fighting for power. One is democratic, but the other is… dare I say… communist! Actual communism was a big fear in the 60’s, unlike today where people call everything they don’t like communism. Twitter banned someone? Communism. Kneeling at the flag? Communism. That’s not communism, you stupid twats. Anyway…
There’s a shortage of medical supplies, so a bunch of doctors are volunteering to go down and help those poor people. Don can’t refuse such an opportunity, and Jane wants to tag along. They’re aboard a ship, and Jane curses the whole thing by saying, “But surely there’ll be no trouble for us! We’re just going to help those who are sick!” Just then, some fucking fighter jets appear, ready to destroy the ship! The Executioner has ordered its destruction, but the jets appear to fly very slowly, because they’re spotted by some really ugly guy, and lame Dr. Don has time to limp around the corner and stamp his cane to become Thor! He then whirls his hammer to victory. And we get more exposition.
So yeah, he whirls his hammer and lands on a jet. He destroys it with his hammer. That might be a bad idea, considering that’s what he’s standing on, but no, he just whirls his hammer again to jump to another plane, and then he makes a fucking tornado with his hammer by twirling it so fast. So that’s a power it has now. He also doesn’t fall as he launches a tornado at people. Then he inexplicably lands on another jet and bashes it in half. He finally decides to dive into the ocean where he swims all the way to the bottom of it to stamp his hammer and turn back into Don. He surfaces, and not one single person wonders why Thor jumped into the water, and Don came up. Not one mother fucker. Instead, they just help him out of the water where Jane talks about how hot Thor was.
Back in San Diablo, the Executioner is fucking pissed, so he tells his guards to kill the commander of the operation. That’s a great way to get people to want to work for you. So he sends a group of guys to go kill the doctors once they arrive. When the doctors show up, these dudes start unloading a hail of gunfire. And they miss every single person. Don again finds a way to slink away where nobody can see him. This guy is the most athletic lame person in the history of the world. He stamps the cane twice, and the comic has to fucking explain that rule again.
Anyway… it rains really hard, and so the doctors are safe, because the bad guys slide down a muddy hill. Once the commie bastards are gone, Don stamps the cane thrice to stop the storm. The Executioner is tired of fucking around and sends some tanks, but unfortunately for him, Don is well-hidden by a tree. Yeah, he’s just standing by a tree. Jane has only shown up once to talk about Thor’s sexiness. I’m not sure where she went after that, but she’s certainly all about letting lame Dr. Don wander off on his own. So yeah, since nobody keeps track of the guy that walks with a fucking cane, he’s easily able to change into Thor again, wherein he’s ready to take on tanks.
The man with the indestructible, irresistible hammer does exactly what we would expect: he flips a tank over with a tree. The drawing makes it look very much like the tank is supposed to be a M41 Walker Bulldog, which weighs a little over 23 tons. I don’t know what kind of trees San Diablo has, but I feel like they’re the greatest, strongest trees to ever exist. Because Thor doesn’t just flip a tank over, he launches it onto the top of another tank.
After that, Thor destroys the third – and last – tank by hitting hit with his hammer. But the force of the hammer doesn’t destroy it directly, no. Instead, the vibration causes the very molecules of the steel itself to disassemble and fall apart. I guess, that’s another power Thor has: making steel structures just come apart. He turns to see that the communist scum are holding Jane hostage!
Thor’s hammer doesn’t have the power to fix this situation, so the bad guys let him just walk away. Capturing Thor pales in comparison to capturing Jane, the nurse. Luckily, Thor’s allowed to just slink away and change back into Don where he is promptly captured. The Executioner wants to murder his fucking face off, but Jane protests, so the guy who is overthrowing the government asks if Jane wants to marry him, and he’ll spare Don’s life. She, of course, accepts such a romantic proposal, but Don says, “I cannot allow Jane to sacrifice herself for me!” It’s just marriage. Versus you being shot by firing squad. I dunno… maybe let her take this one? But Don, instead, calls the Executioner a lily-livered coward and challenges him to a fight! The Executioner accepts by tossing Don his cane. Now Don, who is standing in front of Jane, the Executioner, and an entire firing squad, not to mention the other people of the military that returned from earlier, decides to stamp his cane against the wall one time which, as pages upon pages upon pages of expository dialogue have shown me, produces a blinding lightning bolt. Wait what. That’s not…. oh, fuck it. Don’s also Thor now.
Thor, the man with the power of all the elements, then throws his hammer into a tent which promptly drops on an entire Army of foes. I don’t know how big that tent was or why the men are all too incompetent to escape from a tent, but that tactic totally works. Then the democratic Army shows up, and Thor stamps his hammer four times to… wait… what the fuck, seriously?! So here’s another power of his hammer. He stamps it four times before pointing it at the volcanic mountain, which creates lightning bolts. Those bolts shoot the mountain, and it erupts! That’s actually possible, depending on the amount of pressure change caused by the strike, so we’ll assume the good doctor knows a thing or two about the precise balance of gas and pressure inside a volcano. Due to this, the Executioner’s army starts surrendering, but then they see the Executioner escaping with bags that have dollar signs on them, so the dudes seriously just light his ass up, and he perishes in front of his own firing wall. Oh, sweet irony. All of this makes a man cry out with the biggest pile of bullshit I’ve read yet:
He betrayed us! He betrayed our nation! It is the Americans who are truly our friends… not those who would plunge us into war!
You’re fucking kidding me, right? Anyway… all the doctors are saved, and everyone fawns over the mighty Thor, including Jane, who says, “He was so strong — so masculine — so wonderful!” Don’t hate her for speaking the truth. Dude destroyed two tanks with a tree. Don and Jane are chatting later, and she asks where he was during the fighting, and he says he was hiding. That’s when Jane thinks about how much of a little bitch Don is. Really, she thinks, “Hiding! Golly, why couldn’t YOU be brave and adventurous like — Thor! But no… that would just be too much to hope for!” Fucking savage.
Lastly, I leave you with Thor looking like he just saw a spider:
