This is the first issue of a very important character. The Marvel universe will grow significantly; it’s already up to one villainous family: the Fantastic Four, one angry milk sop: The Hulk, and one tiny guy that likes to beat up ants: Ant Man. Now, we are finally introduced to the greatest character of them all: Flash Thompson. Seriously, this guy is awesome. We start off with him teasing this little punk, Peter Parker, about not knowing the difference between a cha-cha and a waltz! What a loser.

For some reason, instead of following the cool, handsome, popular Flash Thompson, the book instead shows us that dweeb, Peter Parker, lying in bed, and it looks like his 1,000-year-old uncle is giving him a weird massage. After that, he goes to see his 2,000-year-old aunt, and she’s made his favorite food: wheatcakes. Everybody fucking loves wheatcakes! Also, why are his aunt and uncle older than Methuselah? I can only imagine they’ll be around for a couple issues. Their old bodies can’t have much more to give.

How does a body that frail even hold up a plate?

We then find out that the giant nerd is a giant nerd. I’m shocked. Peter asks out some girl, and she tells him to go fuck himself, because he’s not Flash Thompson. God, I love Flash Thompson. Peter asks out some guys instead, but they tell him to go fuck himself, because they’re gonna pick up chicks. Then they drive away and say something that sounds like a super awesome song title: “Give our regards to the atom-smashers.” I might put that on a shirt.

Peter’s super sad, because nobody loves him except his nearly-extinct aunt and uncle, so he goes to see some balding man talk about radiation. A spider gets super radiated by radiation and then goes and bites Peter’s hand. Peter sees the spider and wonders “Why is it burning so? Why is it glowing that way??” Peter’s next decision makes it obvious that he’ll become a great scientist, because it’s stupid. Instead of keeping the spider or telling anyone what happened, he decides instead to just leave. I don’t know what happens to the spider, so it’s free to go bite others. That would be weird, if that happened. You think there would be two Peter Parkers?! That would only be cool, because then Flash Thompson would have two nerds to pick on.

When even the nerdy scientists mock you, you know you’re a super nerd.

Peter walks outside and directly into traffic. Since he’s not the Thing, he doesn’t completely fuck over someone’s life. Instead, he jumps kind of high. It’s not super high; it’s like 4 feet. I mean, that’s a decent height, but it’s definitely not superhero high. Flash Thompson would have jumped higher. After he jumps a moderate height, he starts climbing up the side of the wall like a fucking freak. A little boy tells his mom about it, but she ignores him, because parenting in the 60’s wasn’t quite the same. Peter crushes a pipe that’s on top of the building and then comes to the conclusion the spider transferred its power to him. I know I’m tired of all the spiders crushing steel pipes.

It’s really not that high of a jump.

Peter decides that now that he can crush steel pipes just like a spider can that he should go stomp on a mother fucker. So he puts on a disguise and finds the biggest dude he can find and absolutely embarrasses him. Seems like he fits in with the rest of Marvel’s superheroes. Afterwards, a dude pays him money and tells him there’s more where that came from, if he’ll just keep terrorizing dudes. Of course, Peter’s game.

He heads home to design his super-villain costume. He explains to his nearly-dead aunt and uncle all about his powers and his costume, but their ears are full of hardened dust, so they don’t hear him. Instead, Aunt May offers up some crackers and milk while Ben creepily smiles in the background, probably wondering where he even is. He makes some web shooters and then dresses up in his new pajamas and gleefully boosts his own self-esteem, because he’s sad and lonely.

She might be old, but Aunt May’s got some serious knockers.

Peter uses his powers to show off on tv, and then he lets a thief run right past him, and a cop is all like, “What’s with you, mister?? All you hadda do was trip him, or hold him just for a minute!” and Peter says, “Sorry, pal! That’s your job! I’m thru being pushed around — by anyone!” Insecurities win again. You know who wouldn’t have succumbed to his insecurities? Flash Thompson. Because he doesn’t have any. Peter gets home to find his aunt and uncle have cheated death another day and have bought him a microscope! Treat the ones you love before you die.

Someone’s wheatcakes are going to his head.

“In the days that follow, Spiderman becomes the sensation of the nation!” Sometimes there’s a hyphen, and sometimes there isn’t. I doubt that will ever become a point of contention. Anyway… he’s in every single newspaper and on tv and has an agent, so I’m sure he’s raking in the dough. He gets back home only to see police at his house. He sees the cop from before who tells him Uncle Ben is dead. Peter is shocked! Not because he’s dead; we all knew that was about to happen. One can only best the reaper for so long. No, he’s shocked, because Ben was murdered! Apparently there was a guy that couldn’t wait 10 more minutes for Father Time to finally take what he’s owed.

I love that the cop tells him where the guy is.

The cop then lets Peter know Aunt May is next door, making me wonder why the cop was still there and how much longer Aunt May can hold off her own inevitable doom. Peter puts on his silly pajamas and fwips around town until he finds the guy that stole Ben’s last 10 minutes of life. He’s so distraught and angry that he punches the guy one time only to find out that it’s the thief he let escape before! He serves the thief up to the police then goes and cries in the street like a crackhead who dropped his sack in the gutter. The narration then says “With great power there must also come — great responsibility!” What clever words the narrator wrote out for us.

Lastly, here’s frisky Uncle Ben:

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